“Love is the whole thing.” That’s what the poster in my college floormate’s room said. She said the quote spoke to her, and quotes are funny like that. They’re obviously famous for some reason, but only certain quotes speak to certain people’s human experience or their way of thinking. She saw this quote as a blanket statement that love is what makes the world go round, and I saw it as somewhat restrictive and taunting. I didn’t have a boyfriend or even a crush. So where did that leave me? I had to believe that love wasn’t the whole thing.
I’m not going to go all cynical on you and act like love doesn’t exist and what’s the point in caring because we’re all just going to die anyway. I definitely think love is worth it when you have it, but I also feel that I can be a complete person without romantic love. I know it’s included in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs in that third tier of love and belonging, but I also kind of think Maslow was kind of a presumptuous asshole. That third tier includes friendship, family, and sexual intimacy. But does that mean that asexuals can’t reach self-actualization because their lack of desire for sexual intimacy? Does that mean that those who are born into dysfunctional and unsupportive families can’t either? Maybe Maslow means that you just need to have one, but what if you don’t? Are you doomed?
My point isn’t really to tear down Maslow’s theory, because I actually do understand it as a psychological tool. For the most part it makes sense that these are the things that most people need to feel fulfilled. But I have to disagree with the idea that romantic love and intimacy is required.
I saw Amelie the French Jeunet film the other day. It’s about this girl who is too socially isolated to find love, but she spends her time indulging in her favorite things and helping others find their own happiness. The way that Amelie relished the little things spoke to me. Amelie liked breaking the crust on the crème brulee. She liked to stick her hands in sacks of grain, and she liked putting perfume on from a fancy glass bottle.
Like Amelie, I too have little things that make me happy. I like the feeling of the cold side of my pillow, I like falling asleep with the windows open when it’s raining, I like baking desserts for other people, I like playing with animals at the pet store. These are the things that I like. They’re not on the Hierarchy, but I don’t think that matters.
To me, love is just a bonus. I’d like to have a serious relationship in addition to everything else I have going, but I don’t need it. It is not the whole thing.
I think life is more like a pie chart. Love can be the whole thing if you want it to be, like it is for my friend, but it could just as well be made of a bunch of slivers of the little things. It could be half career and half friends. That’s kind of where I’m at now. I don’t think Maslow was wrong entirely, I just think he maybe got the shape wrong.
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